A Day of Full Stop...

Yesterday was a really hard day.  I'm not sure what made it a hard day because it didn't really start out that way.  I got up early and did my daily 3.5 mile walk and then decided that since it was going to rain and I had slept terribly the night before and had worked so hard the day before...I'd allow myself some in bed reading time.  That very quickly turned into a nap which very quickly turned into NOON.  Oops - there went the morning!  
When I got up...I just couldn't.  I couldn't be a person who contributed to her world.  I made myself some lunch and then spent the remainder of the afternoon on the couch watching television and crying.  Why was I crying?  Who knows?!  It could've started because I had made my Mom very unhappy with me.  It could've continued because my house is still dirty and that makes me feel 'less than', but not enough so to change it.  It could've had something to do with experiencing loneliness in one of those categories that I talked about in an earlier post.  It also could've been part of my cycle OR it could have been that I stopped.  
I tend to think of myself as a very grounded individual.  One who has a pretty even temperament and mood who carries on, always seeing the silver linings.  But maybe I have an inner voice that tells me those things aren't entirely true.  And maybe I hide that inner voice, drown her out with activity.  Maybe I have had multiple balls in the air sharing space with spinning plates since I was about 12 years old and this is the first time I've truly stopped.  Maybe that voice gets louder when I stop.  
So what to do with that?  There are so many important lessons to be learned at this time.  I told Mary a while ago that one of the things that I really wanted to do was to lean into my intuition / my Knowing.  Maybe this is my opportunity to do that.  Does that mean it has to be so hard?  Why does it have to involve tears and heartache? Why is growth always full of growing pains?  I'm going to dedicate this coming week to trying very hard to plan my days with intention.  I can't responsibly nor happily simply STOP for days on end like I did yesterday.  But I definitely CAN plan my activities to be more intentional, slow, meditative.  I can definitely spend time listening for that Knowing.  I wonder what important lessons I'll teach myself.  Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.